When you can't always find the energy for your differences

Standing up for yourself gets tiring sometimes

Hello Substackers. I have been away for months. I started here, I carried on for a bit, I struggled to find people I connected with and found I just didn’t come back to this platform. I had a myriad of things going on. So I stepped away. I see this now not as a total stepping back in, but more as dipping my toes back in with some renewed energy.

Me at TedX Brighton at Brighton Dome in April 2024

What has tired me out? Well ironically, I did a TedX talk in April about understanding the power in our differences. I talked about how we if we can understand and value our differences more we can connect with people better and understand more about the world. Then then, bam….cue a load of people being aggressive towards me in lots of different situations for having a different opinion to them. Maybe they all need to watch my TedX talk? (it’s not available yet, Big Ted is still approving it)

You see if you speak up, and stand up for what you believe in, most people can’t handle that difference. And for most people, their learned behaviour follows several patterns in response. They seem to:

• Get angry at you

• Try and prove you wrong

• Belittle you

• Show aggression

• Laugh at you

And as someone who often has a different opinion or perspective to people I’m with, I have been on the receiving end of this type of reaction many, many times.

Choosing different options

I have tried different ways over the years of reacting to these things. When I was younger I had years of angst over it. Why do I have different opinions on things? Why can no-one around me stop themselves from disagreeing with everything I say?

And I guess I have options. I can stop saying what I think and go along with what others think and say. But then I might as well give up.

So now, after many, many years, I have reached a place of very middle-aged calmness about it all. Now, when people behave aggressively or angrily at me for having a different opinion or idea to them, I simply step away. It takes a lot of will power to do it, but it leads to a greater sense of calm and a more powerful response.

Me at TedX Brighton, with Toni Morrison on a slide

When I was putting my talk together for TedX Brighton, I knew I would include a quote from Toni Morrison at some point in the talk. She inspired me in so many ways. Along with several other women of colour who wrote books, she inspired me to think I could too. One of the things she said is:

“The function, the very serious function of racism is distraction. It keeps you from doing your work. It keeps you explaining, over and over again, your reason for being. Somebody says you have no language and you spend twenty years proving that you do. Somebody says your head isn’t shaped properly so you have scientists working on the fact that it is. Somebody says you have no art, so you dredge that up. Somebody says you have no kingdoms, so you dredge that up. None of this is necessary. There will always be one more thing.”

People who cannot stop themselves from picking at everything else people do, are often not aware of their biases which compel them to behave in this way. People are competitive too. So the more successful you are, the more people pick at you and criticise. They stop you from doing the things you want to do. If you let them.

So if we are going to learn to value differences more, there perhaps needs to be some perspective and distance. I need to learn from people like Toni Morrison that there will always be one more thing. There’s no point wasting time arguing and fighting back. Instead, step away, stepback, and focus on what you are doing.

Get different reactions

Me on stage at TedX Brighton

And when you do, well the impact is incredible. The very people that have behaved in those ways towards me react in different ways. Sometimes they continue to try and engage with me, as if nothing has happened. Some of them persist, perhaps baffled by my distance. And occasionally people speak to me about it and give me the chance to tell them why I have stepped away. That’s rare though. Usually people give up in the end. And then that brings a sense of immense calm and perspective to my world.

What does this say about both me and those people though? When I was younger, I would have fought the battles, and argued against them. Now I want the peace and calm of stepping away. It feels like a different and more powerful way of fighting the battles of differences.