Walking In Different Shoes

The art of empathy

Can we ever really walk in someone else’s shoes? Is there a way of stepping into someone else’s world and imagining what things are like for them? We can try, and as writers we do that when we create characters. We aim to step into the world of that character and the way that person lives.

Is there a way of doing that authentically with people we know though? I struggle to see that there is. I think that’s why when someone talks about a problem, issue or perspective, the natural reaction is often for people to relate it to something in their own life. People often process things that way. So if someone tells you about something that’s happening to them, people will comment saying they understand as something similar happened to them and they proceed to tell you their story. Is that empathy? Or is that bringing the focus to yourself and not to the person telling the story? Is true empathy about not needing to bring the focus back to your own life?

Jakob Owens on Unsplash

The heels of empathy

The base and heels of empathy require us to step outside of ourselves. That’s what makes it difficult to do. Our natural instinct is to relate things back to ourselves to understand it. True empathy requires listening to truly listen and not to think about what you’re going to say next or how it relates to you. It’s listening without judgement. It’s trying to understand that person’s perspective. It might seem like a simple concept, but it’s one that is very tricky to truly achieve. it requires intention, openness, and vulnerability.

So when I see people saying they now understand the sexism women face as they have a daughter now, it makes me think that means they have no empathy to understand. Surely you can see the things that happen and show empathy and understanding without the requirement to have a child to show empathy?

And this is the realisation we probably have to accept. We can’t truly be empathetic towards everyone. We can’t walk in all the shoes. What we can do, is try to listen, try to understand, and try to focus attention on the person who is talking instead of ourselves.

Stepping into the space

If we can try to do this, then we can step further into empathy and allyship. We can take meaningful actions to support people. Instead of relating things back to ourselves, we can try to show support for the person who is talking to us. We can choose to simply be there, offering a listening ear and a shoulder to lean on.

More than that, we can take actions to support people who might wear very different shoes to us. Sometimes the most powerful form of empathy is support and strength without necessarily being loud and stomping into the centre of attention. We could try holding space for someone's pain without trying to fix it or diminish it. We can try affirming their feelings and communicate that they are not alone in their struggles. This simple act of empathy can be incredibly healing and validating for those who are navigating difficult times.

I say this as someone on a journey to doing this myself. It takes stepping away from yourself and that’s hard for us to do. For now, let’s see if we can try and practice walking in some different shoes.